**new this week**
My Interview with Osama Bin Laden
The rules were simple for me to
get this interview. I was to be blindfolded and led to his secret hideout. I was to ask questions, which were to be translated by one of his assistants. I was not to have a translator. I would
only be able to understand his answers when I returned to the USA. It would be then that I would understand how truly chilling this terror mastermind
is.
Translator: (to Tim Kochenderfer) You may begin your questions.
Tim Kochenderfer:
Thank you. (to bin Laden)
And thank you sir for welcoming me into your home. So I hear you had a little bundle of joy recently enter your life.
Tell me, how does it feel to be a father? Has it changed your life?
Osama bin Laden:
I don’t know… I don’t… What are you
talking about? (to Translator) Tell
him next question.
Translator: Next question!
Tim Kochenderfer: Okay, so do you have to change the diapers,
or do you have people to do that for you?
Translator: No more questions about fatherhood!
Osama bin Laden: What’s he
saying?
Translator: Nothing director.
Tim Kochenderfer: Okay, you’ve spent a lot of time in the desert. If it wasn’t cold in the arctic, would you live there?
Osama bin Laden: It doesn’t
matter!
Tim Kochenderfer: There would probably be more hiding spaces.
Osama bin Laden: It doesn’t
matter! It’s not warm there so why are we even talking about it?!
Tim Kochenderfer:
If they paved the desert, would you be mad or would that be a good thing?
Osama bin Laden: Why would they
pave the desert?! These questions are foolish!
Tell him to ask me about terrorism!
Translator: Ask him about terrorism.
Tim Kochenderfer: Okay, have you
ever met Osama bin Laden and if so, what’s he like?
Osama bin Laden: I am Osama bin Laden!
Translator: He
is Osama bin Laden!
Tim Kochenderfer: Oh wonderful! Okay, let’s
say you manage to get your suicide bombers into the White House…
Osama bin Laden: Okay, good.
Tim Kochenderfer:
And when he went to detonate the bomb a ton of rubber snakes shot out, like your bomb maker played a joke
on you or something. Would you be mad?
Osama bin Laden: Yes! I would be furious! Of course I would be furious! These are not real questions! You need to know I will bury the west and will not rest in my efforts
until the world is under my rule!
Tim Kochenderfer: Let’s talk about jihad.
Osama bin Laden: Okay, good.
Tim Kochenderfer:
Can you tell me the difference between jihad and let’s say a pancake breakfast.
Osama bin Laden: Jihad
is holy war and pancake breakfast you eat it! The differences are too many! It would be a waste of time to name them all!
Listen to me, you and the rest of the infidels are in for a massive attack.
Tim Kochenderfer: Yes, I agree,
maple syrup is good.
Osama bin Laden: I wasn’t talking about maple syrup!
Who set this interview up?!
Tim Kochenderfer: What do you like better? Islam
or Judaism?
Osama bin Laden: What do you think?! (to translator) This man has no idea who I am!
Tim Kochenderfer: Okay, tell me this. If a man
is sent to prison, do you think his beard should be sent to a separate prison?
Osama bin Laden: No! There are no prisons for beards! Beards are not a living thing! Now listen, the west is a great Satan! The
only way to destroy it is through violence!
Tim Kochenderfer: Let me ask you this, if Muhammad was alive today and you saw him wearing a baseball
had and wearing a shirt that says ‘I heart USA’
would you change your ways?
Osama bin Laden: Blasphemy! Execute him!
(at this point another terrorists runs in)
Terrorist: Director, I’ve arranged that pancake breakfast inside the New York
Subway system, just as you’ve requested.
Osama bin Laden: Idiot! I didn’t say pancake
breakfast, I said Jihad! Jihad!
Tim Kochenderfer: (to my photographer)
He’s calling for a pancake breakfast, let’s get out of here!
©2008 Tim Kochenderfer
From
the files of the Presidential Proofreader:
A Letter From President Bush to the Queen:
by Tim
Kochenderfer
Recently, the Queen of England visited America and made a stop by the
White House. President Bush sent her Majesty a letter thanking her for her visit. Normally
such a note is sent to a Presidential Proofreader. The proofreader
checks for grammatical, factual and logical errors and returns the letter to the president. Normally that
draft is never seen again. Luckily, we managed to get our hands on the original copy of that letter.
Thank
you for coming to America but mostly for not trying to conquer us and take us back to England. I was real
worried you’d try to do something immature like that to get back at us for the Revolutionary war. Everyone
was all like you can trust her man, but I was like okay just keep her out of my chairs (what would
having her sit in your chairs do?) and don’t let her pass any laws while she’s here. (First, the queen doesn’t have the authority to pass laws in America, let alone Great Britain.
Second, her Majesty and the entire nation of England are over the Revolutionary war, it was hundreds of years ago.
Also, the queen is an elderly woman, she does not have the physical strength to overthrow you the U.S. Government single-handedly.)
I also appreciate
you taking time to visit the new World War Too (Two) memorial. It was a
huge morale boost to our brave men and women fighting over there and I’m like 60 percent confident we’re going
to win that thing. (We did win that thing. World War II ended
over 60 years ago. Also, a President should never say he is less than 100 percent sure that his nation
will win a war in which it is involved)
Sorry about my boring tie. Dude, I was so mad at Laura. I wanted to wear my Peanuts
tie so bad. She gave me that plain white one and yelled at me, so I took it and drew the following characters
on it: Snoopy, Woodstock, Charlie Brown and Charles Bronson. She yelled at me even louder after that and
I was like, fine I don’t even like the queen! (Okay, you should NOT include in a letter a story
in which you tell someone that you don’t like the recipient of the letter. Also, your wife was right
to make you wear a plain white tie. It is a gesture of respect. Also, for the record,
Charles Bronson was not a Peanuts character. Also, don’t call refer to the Queen of England as ‘dude’)
You know
what I wish? I wish they had like a male version of a queen. That would be so cool but
they don’t. (Yes they do, it’s called a ‘king’)
Welp, (not a word) I gotta (not a word) go, I got another queen coming.
(you do not have another queen coming to visit. She will easily find out that
you don’t. You shouldn’t lie just to end the letter quickly).
Later Gator, (not an appropriate salutation for a woman of royalty).
George W. Bush
(While I’m very pleased that you finally stopped spelling ‘queen’ with
a ‘k’ this letter needs much improvement. I’ll rework this and send this out by morning)
Objects
In The Mirror
By Tim Kochenderfer
"Objects in the mirror closer than they appear," Mark read outloud to himself, leaning his face towards the glass.
"Well, they don't get much closer than this."
"Don't they?" The face in
the mirror replied. Mark took a step back to realize that it wasn't a mirror he was looking into, but instead, his long
lost twin brother holding a sign that read "objects in the mirror closer than they appear."
"Brother," the twin said stretching out his arms. But then, Mark realized, he didn't have a twin brother.
Mark drew back his arm and punched the man, shattering him into a thousand pieces.
An Open Letter To Gary Coleman
Dear Gary Coleman,
Im writing to tell you that I saw your television show Different Strokes for the first time today. Let
me just say I thought it was fantastic! If the rest of the season goes as well as this episode did,
I think you may have a hit on your hands my friend! I thought I got lucky when I got to go home from work
early today, but I was even luckier to kick back and turn your show on to see television genius at work. My
only question is why is a show of this caliber on at noon instead of in the prime time line-up?
Although I think the show is absolutely
wonderful, I do have some questions and ideas I would be pleased if you would address. First of all, at
one point in the show your older brother Willis said something preposterous and you responded to him "What cho talkin
bout Willis?" It was funny, but it took me forever to figure out what you said. I
mean, the fact that you didnt understand what Willis was talking about was underscored by the fact that I didnt know what
you were saying. I think the comedy would be much more effective if you would annunciate and maybe
say something along the lines of "What are you referring to Willis?" The audience would get the
joke much more quickly and the humor would be sidesplitting.
Another thing I noticed about the show that you might want to change is that all of the characters are wearing attire
from the early 1980s. I think that might be something thats keeping you from Prime Time.
I was also
thinking about a plot idea for the show which I am releasing to absolutely for free! Heres what happens.
One night while you and Willis are sleeping in your bunk beds, the bunk collapses and Willis bed falls on your bed,
crushing you. Of course it will all be done with stunt doubles. The audience will be
in absolute shock and utter worry, that is, until they hear you from under the bed blurt out a What are you doing up there
Willis? Then from there on Mr. Drummond will come up and pull the bunk off of you and spank Willis and
spank you and youll both learn a valuable lesson!
Anyway Mr. Coleman, I just wanted to write to tell you how wonderful I think Different Strokes is and wish it luck
in its future endeavors. I will truly keep in mind from now on that it takes Different Strokes, it takes
Different Strokes it takes Different Strokes to rule the world! (Hey, those lyrics would sound great in
your theme song!!).
Your faithful
viewer,
Tim Kochenderfer
Vampire Hunting
by Tim Kochenderfer
Some might say there is no such thing as vampires, but I'll never forget my first run-in
with one.
Jake and I were walking through the woods when a shot rang out.
"I wonder what was that?" I said.
"It was a gun," Jake replied.
"Yes, obviously it was a gun," I said sternly, "I wonder where it came from."
"From the west," Jake answered.
"Yeah I know it came from the west," I replied,
annoyed, "I wonder who fired the gun."
All of the sudden, there was a rustle in the
bushes. Jake and I both drew our weapons.
"Don't shoot, don't shoot," a ghastly
figure emerged. "It is I, Count Dracula, who fired that round. I'm hunting duck."
"Count Dracula?" I asked. "You're not supposed to be out in the day light."
"Who are you, my mother?" he snapped back.
"No, sorry," I replied.
There was an awkward pause.
"So....um..." Dracula tried to break the uncomfortable
silence.
"So what are you doing out here?" I asked.
"I told you, hunting duck," he replied.
"Oh right, sorry," I said.
"What are you doing out here?" he asked.
"Just, um, just out in the woods,"
I replied.
"Hmm," there was another awkward silence as we all looked around uncomfortably.
Finally, Dracula spoke up. "So, I'm just going to...." Dracula pointed down the path.
"Yeah, yeah sure," I said.
Dracula nodded, somewhat awkwardly and started walking down the path.
All of the sudden, a bear
lept out from the bushes and kicked Count Dracula, full force in the butt.
I'd like to
be able to tell you that we stopped and helped the Count, but we just kind of pretended like we didn't see what was happening
and walked away.
©2006 Tim Kochenderfer
Surviving a Tornado
by Tim Kochenderfer
With tornado season upon us, there are a few things we all need to keep
in mind to be safe. I've complied the following list of crucial advice during my recent trip to the center for tornadic
studies in Bosie Idaho.
1) If you're driving and ever sucked up inside of a tornado, ALWAYS KEEP YOUR WHEEL SHARPLY
TURNED. If your tires straighten out in the least you will be shot right out of the tornado.
2) Once you
reach the top of the tornado you have two options. One, you must QUICKLY shift your vehicle in reverse and back
yourself all the way down OR....
3) Keep driving and wait for the next tornado to come along and take that down.
The danger here is that you could be stuck for a long time waiting for the next tornado, it could take years. Often
times, when people suddenly vanish and they turn up years later, this is what has happened to them.
4) Firing
a gun at a tornado may slow it down, but it will NOT stop it. It's best to stay in the basement.
5) If you
hear a tornado siren go off, destroy everything around you in sight. Once the tornado approaches, it will think another
tornado has already been there and spin away.
6) The tornado's natural enemy is the volcano. Now creating
a volcano in your back yard can be dangerous, so it's best to create a sort of "scare-tornado," a fake
volcano that you can set up in your backyard. However, keep in mind that the fake volcano will only work if you use
real lava and you figure out some way to make it erupt.
7) You can also set up a trap for the tornado. This
is simple to make. Just dig a hole in your backyard and cover it with grass. Then, when the tornado falls inside,
fill the hole in quickly. All of your problems will be done. Except for the massive earthquakes that this will
cause.
Following these 7 steps will assure a safe and short tornado season*
*7 steps may make tornado
season more deadly
©2007 Tim Kochenderfer
Dear Mrs. The Queen (or is it Miss?), 
